Things I Can't Say In Real Life.

Happy Easter!!! I effed up my shoulder and am off work currently. Life is goign surprisingly well for the moment, and I am looking forward to the future. That’s all for now.  

Justin and I are OFREAKINGFICIALLY moving to Midland. He’s getting a kick ass job there blah blah blah and I’m ready to leave this tiny little hick town. Best part? Wait for it…wait for it…I get to go to my DREAM SCHOOL.!!!!!! Saginaw Valley is where I’ll be headed in the fall. SOBEYONDEXCITED woooofreakinghooo. Okay, enough excitement, do you want the details? No? Well then leave because you’re about to read them. 

Wellllllll I might have talked about this in an earlier post (I don’t remember because I’ve literally talked to EVERYONE about this.) Basically Justin had to choose between an apprenticeship in Howell and a job in Midland, I was cool with either I’m just riding it out. At first he picked Howell because we thought if he wasn’t going to school he should at least have an apprenticeship under his belt. However, there was a lot to consider & we knew no one down there blah blah blah, I don’t care at all whether we know anyone or not (I sort of want to start over…). 

The reason he ended up choosing Midland is because his Grandpa used to work for the company & his uncle still does so he’s pretty much gonna get in… Also because it’s a better paying job & he has family in Midland & it’s closer to my family. The best part (which I didn’t even realize until later) is that Saginaw Valley is 20 mins away!!!! So I was like screw Baker, I’ve fucked up enough I’m doing what I wanted to all along & just going for it. I also switched my major from Education to Psychology which is another story in itself but something I should’ve done a long time ago. 

So that’s my story…what else? Oh yeah, I’m taking the spring off from school because my credits won’t transfer anyway so it’s pointless. I still hate my job, I’m still working there. My car windshield has like five cracks in it from recent endeavors & I backed into a moving vehicle like 4 days ago. Needless to say I kick ass at driving. That’s all for now!! 

Sooo, my life as of right now is so up in the air. I don’t know if we’ll be able to move now because Justin will just be starting a job & I don’t make near enough to get approved for a mortgage. Also if we decide to rent instead, I don’t make enough (again) and Justin will not have had his job for long enough. So he might end up living with famiy for a while and I’ll have to stay here longer. Which totally sucks because I really wanted to get out of this town & we’ve been together long distance for almost four years. I’m SO SICK of being long distance, the thought of it going on longer makes me so sad. :( 

And, I recently realized I barely hang out with anyone my own age, so I’m like depressed about that. I never have time for friends, plus one of my best friends drinks a lot now & it’s not that I care, I just don’t drink & she always wants me to go to parties & stuff. So yeah…I pretty much lost touch with everyone after high school, the only people I talk to besides family people at work & one girl at school who’s 2 years older & another who’s way older. I feel pathetic, I’m ok with not really having any friends, because for the most part I’m happy. I just feel like everyone else thinks I’m a joke. It makes me sad. 

It is depressing not having anyone to talk to though, I talk to Justin about everything, even girl stuff lol. But it’s not the same as having a girl friend to talk to, I don’t know. But that’s where I’m at. Time for bed..

It’s been so long since I’ve really posted something I don’t know if I remember how. But here’s the quote that’s making me feel better (I’ve posted it before)- 

In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn’t be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never second guess who you are, where you’ve been, and most importantly where it is you’re going. - Random Quote 

^ I think that’s where I’m at with life. I need to stop trying to make everyone happy and do what makes me happy. 

My new lease on life: Fuck everyone & do what makes you happy.

Things have been good, I can quite honestly say I hate my job though. I love the people I work with and the actual work isn’t that hard, I just am not good with people I guess? Idk, but when I worked at Burger King we did NOT get as many asshole customers as we do at Subway, it drives me fucking nuts when people are disrespectful. 

In June, Justin and I are moving to Webberville. He’s getting an apprenticeship in Howell and I have school in Owosso & Webberville is kind of in the middle. I’m so beyond ready to leave this town. This is how my life went, highschool: I’m never gonna leave, I love it here! Senior year: I can’t wait to get the hell out! Freshman year: I miss home! (and I moved back) Now: I’m finally comfortable with who I am and don’t need to use where I grew up as my identity. 

A lot has happened here, most of them are good memories, but some are REALLY painful and I can’t seem to shake them. A bunch of people I thought were my friends abandoned me, it hurt way more than they think & it effect’s me everyday. I’m afraid to meet new people because I’m afraid to feel like that again. My confidence is at maybe a 2 and I used to be super out-going and now I’m really quiet. 

I want to leave & start fresh. I see things here and they make me really sad, I can’t explain it in a way that will make sense to anyone but myself. I’m hurt and I need time to heal and find myself again, and I just can’t do that here. Plus, I’m not sure if I wanna be one of the people that lives their whole life here, it seems like everyone does that. If you don’t get out quick you’re stuck here forever. I just need to go, be free & find myself again. 

I’m so sick of not feeling like myself at all. I’m sick of being sad. I’m sick of having regrets. I’m sick of not talking to anyone besides family. I’m sick of everyone expecting me to be all bubbly when they see me, and being disappointed when I’m not. I’m sick of thinking about it, but I can’t let it go. I’m sick of not knowing why I can’t let it go. 

I’m more angry than hurt nowadays though. I never got an apology from anyone, just an admittance that they did it. Well thanks but I already fucking knew that. I don’t know how they can live with themselves. 

Another thing I want to talk about is that my “best friend” was one of these people, and we still talk. She leaves me every time something better comes along & when it doesn’t work she comes back & expects everything to be the same. I really don’t know what to do about this. She also cares more about money than her friends/family. If someone paid her $1,000 to never speak to me again, I know she’d do it. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t know why we’re friends. 

I’ve only made on friend in college. We don’t have each other’s numbers & we don’t hang out outside of class, but I still consider her a friend. I need to stop being shy, but I can’t. I feel like everyone’s better than me & will be all disgusted when I talk to them. I have no confidence. 

I’m beyond excited to move though, I know it won’t fix everything, but it will definitely help a lot. I pretend to be all happy on the outside, but I’m getting damn sick of pretending. I’m going to figure this out & who knows if I’ll ever come back.

P.S. for the title being “I don’t know what to say” I sure said a lot, but I don’t care. I’m leaving it like that. 

Well I’m LOVING being a scentsy consultant. Website: www.shelbyb.scentsy.us

I had my hours cut at work so I can focus more on school, Justin and I are going to see MIRANDA LAMBERT on March 23rd. I GOT FLOOR TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s my favorite everrrrrrrrr and Justin has a big crush on her (the tickets are for his bday) I’m so excited! AHHHHH

I’m officially an independent scentsy consultant!!!!! Woohoo! Check it out: https://shelbyb.scentsy.us/Home

These are the best products EVER, you will love them, haha. They’re safe wickless candles that smell seriously amazing & the warmers are some of the most adorable thing’s I’ve ever seen. (:

I need to get out of food service. I love my boss & the people I work with but I want a more fulfilling job. That is all.

In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn’t be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never second guess who you are, where you’ve been, and most importantly where it is you’re going. - Random Quote

This makes me feel better

The night time always makes me sad. I’m not quite sure why, but it’s the time I look back on high school & all my regrets and wonder what could’ve been. I hope to be moving soon, and that will help me move on.

I hate how certain songs can bring you back, sometimes it’s totally cool but sometimes it makes me sad.I just need to get out of this house & away from this town, thinking about moving down to Owosso but I’m not sure if I wanna take the plunge. This little town is all I’ve ever known, so how do I know what will be best? And I love my boss & really don’t want to leave my job. But as far as the people and the memories go in this town, I think I need to get away for a while…

Arguments that are common are usually about politics. I believe in the government, I’m not a yuppie, but I think those views should be kept to yourself. Politics are the root of all evil in this society. If they’re not about politics they’re about one of the key issues in this world/state/area: medical marijuana, religion, abortion, gay rights, etc. People vary on those things so much around here but I know that this is a very close minded area of the state, because I’ve grown up here.

            Where I grew up/currently live most people are racist, Christian, don’t believe in abortion or gay rights, they’re republican & it’s about 50/50 on the marijuana. It’s really frustrating and I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, keep my black friends away and love Jesus but stay away from church.  

            I hate arguing, I hate talking about any of the above mentioned things and I hate close minded people. I hate this town, but I’m afraid to leave it because it’s all I know. You know why the above mentioned things are “valid arguments”? I know, because if someone so much as mentions them, someone else will agree, disagree, or pretend to disagree just to create an argument. So if two people vary in opinion it is an argument. Well guess what, if you vary in opinion around here you better not show it or you’re going to be kicked off our little hick town island. That is all I have to say about this.